Surrendering to the Heart

I practice yoga as a celebration of life; in the spirit of intimacy, connection, and love.

My yoga is seamlessly interwoven into life on and off the mat and it's a practice rooted in my heart. It is a deep dive into the nature of Self through life's mundane and extraordinary moments. This newsletter will be an expression of my journey, of what reveals and heals along the way. Expect contemplations on asana, meditation, breath, body, family, plant medicine, nature, astrology, sex, death, and so much more. :)

Musings on my return home from a sacred plant medicine retreat in the mountains of Colombia

I am writing this in the spirit of surrender. Of letting go. Of giving myself fully, whole heartedly to what is.

As I sit on my porch and write the wind feels like silk on my skin. The leaves sway in the breeze and there is a dog barking and a siren wailing. I close my eyes and breathe deeper. This world around me is vibrant, alive, and filled with wonder. It mirrors how I feel inside. Connected to the stillness within I attune to the serenity of my street. This view is grace. Everything is here to wake me up and when I forget, all it takes is a step outside (of my mind) and a breath. 

“Reality is always kinder than your thoughts about it”

-Byron Katie

I woke up this morning and thought how strange it is that I’d wake up without breakfast made and a hammock to rest and the exotic Colombian birds by my side. And as I showered my partner Jimmy cooked breakfast and whispered ‘we've got a hammock outside’.

He is my heart outside my heart. 

The Work

My work through plant medicine, meditation, and self-inquiry is to sharpen my awareness. To wake up from the trappings of unconscious conditional patterning. From past/future narratives, identifications, and beliefs that keep me separated from my heart; from your heart; from our heart.

My intention for the retreat to Colombia was to discover my maternal instinct and find peace with whatever way it shows up. I've been lost in a debate and fear state over aging and having kids. I've always felt ageless and when faced with body/time limitations I fell into fear. It surfaced as my mind in the divisive bind of ‘if this, then that’. Anxiously trying to carve and control the future with fantasies about what could or shouldn't be. My mind toggling between memories of my mother and visions of a future riddled with regret. My narrative of mother mirrors my fear about career, acceptance, and self-love. And it reflects my missed connection; maybe I ask and unmask her view of motherhood, one I have likely misunderstood.

Compounding all of this, I was at war with body and time by believing I'd run out of time. Dissociated and divorced from the present moment; my worried mind was literally unaligned, 'out' of real time. 

Time is more generous than my thoughts about it. I left for Colombia and gave myself the space to slow down and ground. To tune in and receive the wisdom of nature; never too young or old, too fast or slow, enough or not enough. The sweeping mountain vista elevated my perspective quite literally and figuratively. I sat with plant medicine and it refined and aligned mind, body, and heart. It emptied me out and filled me with deep inner trust and the sanctity of support from my ancestors and guides. I took refuge in the arms of the workers who swaddled me with tender care. And I embraced and held space for myself to parent the child within, feel the love of the mother to-be, and the warmth of the wise women/elders surrounding me.

In its tender yet stern way, the medicine cracked the whip of wakefulness that ushered surrender in my heart. Like the sword of Kali cutting chords of false energy; all that's not me. My slow, steady exhale harmonized and alchemized divisiveness into spaciousness and equanimity. And with each inhale I received profound peace.

The Mother, The Sun, and The Moon

I left for my trip in the heart of Cancer season, a water sign ruled by the moon and the archetype of the mother. Cancer connects to the fecund earth, the womb, and deep roots of ancestry. This newsletter was born at the bridge of the summer solstice, which literally means the point at which the sun stands still. It was at that time I realized a need to pause and dive deep into reflection and introspection to unravel my distress. Writing has been the process that's revealed the subtlety of what needs to be healed. My time in the womb of the temple (pictured below) mothered my spirit as I communed with the Grandmother Plant. Colombia re-birthed me into harmony with what is. And home in L.A. I integrate and meditate and do The Work* with my heart leading the way.

*The Work is a Byron Katie's method of self-inquiry. I facilitate this and if interested email me for more information.

Gratitude

In every breath I come home to my heart. The Heart. The Heart of the universe that breathes life into being. This is my gratitude prayer to Great Spirit that whispers codes of beauty and joy and the life-affirming Yes to all of creation. To the rising sun, illuminating darkness to light; the dream into consciousness. It awakens me to the world and the world wakes me up to my Self. I give thanks to the darkness and confusion and illusion that point me towards freedom. Bells of mindfulness. 

I listen. I hear my breath, life-affirming. Body being breathed. Peace already installed; it is my Truest nature and my practice is tuning in, coming home. I elevate the “I” to my higher mind's eye lighting the torch of peace in every breath and gratitude in every step. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.